In so many words...

And I lost myself. Or found what I should have lost. While watching myself sink deeper into the hole of perpetual in-existence and watching myself sell my soul away, not to the devil but to his mere followers who crawl behind him like paralysed sheep in a vain attempt to earn his acceptance. And maybe people’s influential abilities are not determined by their strength but by my weakness. Maybe I never really lost myself, but I didn't have a self to begin with, and seldom did I ever seek to find one identity, but in turn I allowed myself to be sucked into the closest vortex around me. I always changed who I am. And maybe that is because I am not. Maybe it is because I am absolutely nothing but a mirror of what I wish to be.

They say people never change, that we just grow up. They say that people never forget their old habits. They say that no matter how much you try you will always be THAT GIRL or THAT GUY. Sometimes it’s harder for me to see myself under a different light, or see myself as different to what I am now. Not realizing that bit by bit I’ve become that monster I once despised. And I’ve tried. To see myself not only differently but equally. Equal to the girl who sits at the front of the class, equal to that beautiful stage dancer, equal to that model on the cover of a magazine, equal to the girl next door with the long curly blond hair. But while closing my eyes and entering this year with a smile erased from my face, and with the golden light of my heart dimmed to a dark shade a gray. I walk into this traumatic year the demon I subconsciously always wanted to be.